GAME OF THRONES FAKE EPP 2 MEGA RECAP!

Bahahahaha! Did you see that little shit's eyes bleed! Hahahha

Awe damn... I'm getting way ahead of my self. Hoookay, back it up.

EPISODE TWO MEGA RECAP, GAME OF THRONES FAKE SECRETS REVEALED!

Alright so not a ton of action in this last episode, but I'll tell you all the behind the scenes secret shit about the game of the thrones that NOT even George "the bearded suspenders salesman" Martin HIMSELF even knows. Plus I've got a fun BODACIOUS treat at the end for everyone to enjoy.

So alright... from what I remember there wasn't a lot going on to progress the story outside of the main city (hells landing). Old Man Lannister had the goddamn stark sword melted down and made into a damn lannister sword.  . It's suuper pussy though cuz the one sword that Boramir was using the whole time for ACTUAL badass fighting was so huge and badass, in fact, that they made two totally useable swords from his one giant beast of a sword.

As the secret backstory goes, Old Man lannister is pissed as fuck and all whiney because all the OTHER houses get sweet fancy swords and he doesn't get one. There's some old ass place where a bunch of dudes called the Flareons used to make super badass swords out of like adamantium or midiclorians or something. Well one of Old Man Lannisters grandparents went off into some bog of eternal stench off in who-cares-ville and got his dumb ass AND the old lannister sword, lost as shit forever and ever. It was probably named something very Lannistery like "CASTLE ROCKER" or "DEBT PAYER" or something. Ah fuck I was trying to make fun of them but debt payer is a SICK name for something you stab people with, AMIRITE?

Anyway so one of these magical swords (that look just like normal swords but somehow people in the show can spot them from like a half mile away before it's even been drawn) goes to OLE LEFTY LANNISTER.

He can barely hold the thing and legitimately struggles getting it back into it's fancy leather casing. Jamie is secretly pissing his pants because he knows that he legitimately sucks balls at fighting unless he can use his right hand. Unfortunately that hand got lopped right off and now he's rocking a fake gold hand that looks like it could be made out of chocolate actually. In any event, none of the wizards and magical shit is enough to even manage an opposable thumb.

Good thing he aint fighting deadites.

You'd think since his sister had it made that it would at least be a little more...

Ya know what I mean?

But apparently she's an old crotchety bitch who won't even bang her own brother anymore. 

So anyway, the other sword goes apparently to the little socio-king. He immediately asks the crowd of wall to wall assholes to name it... because, ya know, lots of people name their swords...

OH SHIT HUMAN HUNTING!

Speaking of sociopaths, jesus fuck I forgot about the beginning. The torture porn guy shows up again and shows us he's still having a fucking great old time completely ruining little Prince Dickless of Ironprice mountain. 

He starts out by literally hunting a human.

Cuz that'll get ya JACKED!

A human that happens to be a young girl in a dress because as much as he is a psycho, he's apparently also a complete puss-bag. He doesn't care... he just murders her up and goes back to eating dicks.

Fine, pork sausage... but you kinda figure this dude actually would eat a dick.

Well Theon is completely fucked.... but who knows, maybe with a little rebranding?... maybe xerxes knows a guy who can hook him up with a gold dick?

MEANWHILE AT THE.. "REVERSE RED WEDDING"?

So I think the rest of the time we were just seeing the bitch king being a total bitch at his wedding to side-smile. He uses his stupid flareon sword to cut up Pete Dinkledge's wedding gift of a big book, which admittedly... come on, what did you expect, Pete?

You were just trying to piss him off weren't you?

Well it worked. But Pete Dink is fighting battles on multiple fronts since his awful hooker of a sister finds out that his actual hooker of a girlfriend is pretending to be his wifes maid. (I know this shit sounds like an episode of the young and the restless or something) Anyway, once xerxes finds out about his secret love for the hooker with a heart of gold he gets Bronn to get his lady safely way the fuck far away:

Dude, you fucked up.

...well we hear Bron say she's gone but I dunno... I predict we see her again. Likely we see her dead though. Unfortunately, I think I'm inside George Martins head enough to know that he's just the kinda asshole to for sure make that happen. 

Well after seeing a weird midget show and the little inbred king being a total and complete cocksucker for the last time... we are rewarded with the most pleasurable murder scenes the show has yet to offer:

Jeffrey be all like...

And we be all like....

But it's been made clear he was an insane inbred asshole. I'm not one to personally drop the C-bomb, but the show has made it pretty clear that all of Throne Island thinks he was basically the definition of a cunt. And as this dude will tell you...

Now you've all waited long enough.... 

Totally not fake Game of Thrones MYSTERIES REVEALED!

WELCOME NERDS!

So I had no idea what I was planning to use this space for when I started it. So I guess some weird GoT shit will be a good enough post. I don't actually know anything about the books, and I know very little about the tv show because I honestly can't even follow the episodes I've seen and I'm usually drunk when I watch. Okay heres some shit about everyone's favorite show about incest and dragons (mostly just written out as I remember with some interjections from my friend Meg because this all started in a chat window)

What I know:

This is all 100% true shit as far as I know.... There's a war that started a long time ago kinda... or at least started people being all pissed off at each other. Some targaryan dude who won a joust or something and then gave the "hottest babe of the joust" award to Boramir's sister instead of his own wife... then later captured her and started the whole war ...I guess over who got dibs on this chick

Boramirs brother and maybe his dad? go try knotts landing, or hells landing or whatever the big city is and try to talk some weird old dude into getting the stolen chick back. But instead they just murder them right up.

Then boramir and his buddy rob go murder them back thus are the coolest dudes on the block for a while.

The dragon people, the wolf people, the deer people and ... some other peoples... they all play musical thrones for a while and then the lannisters who are all a bunch of inbred fuckbags end up on top by (I think) sexing their way into all the other families and then waiting for people to die.

One of like 8 guys from the show Skins plays fat robs illigitimate son who nearly gets witch raped (actually he mighta been fully witch raped... I can't remember)

Some bitch named Xerxes or something... is the bitchy mom of a little twerp they make the king before realizing he's a little closet case.

 Meg:  You mean Cersei?
Her story gets good.
 me:  Dammit. She's super annoying
I think the biggest build up is waiting to see her beheaded or something greusome.

A bunch of stuff happens in the show, mostly people just wander around a lot and other people go looking for the wandering people maybe but no one really ends up anywhere. Some people fight and Peter Dinkeledge is a dick to all his asshole relatives so that we like him.

I don't have a good nickname for the dragon lady so I'll just call her dragon lady. Honestly though, blond with brown eye brows though.... that's all I can ever really think about when I see her.

I'm fucking fire-proof.

Another guy with a blog reviewing the GoT beer called her "cool lisa" cuz thats what it sounds like everyone is calling her. That works.

Meg:  she is the worst
I just call her Dani.
My friend Bryan calls her the Hot naked blonde
me:  Noted.