Thursday, February 27, 2014

Totally not fake Game of Thrones MYSTERIES REVEALED!


So I had no idea what I was planning to use this space for when I started it. So I guess some weird GoT shit will be a good enough post. I don't actually know anything about the books, and I know very little about the tv show because I honestly can't even follow the episodes I've seen and I'm usually drunk when I watch. Okay heres some shit about everyone's favorite show about incest and dragons (mostly just written out as I remember with some interjections from my friend Meg because this all started in a chat window)

What I know:

This is all 100% true shit as far as I know.... There's a war that started a long time ago kinda... or at least started people being all pissed off at each other. Some targaryan dude who won a joust or something and then gave the "hottest babe of the joust" award to Boramir's sister instead of his own wife... then later captured her and started the whole war ...I guess over who got dibs on this chick

Boramirs brother and maybe his dad? go try knotts landing, or hells landing or whatever the big city is and try to talk some weird old dude into getting the stolen chick back. But instead they just murder them right up.

Then boramir and his buddy rob go murder them back thus are the coolest dudes on the block for a while.

The dragon people, the wolf people, the deer people and ... some other peoples... they all play musical thrones for a while and then the lannisters who are all a bunch of inbred fuckbags end up on top by (I think) sexing their way into all the other families and then waiting for people to die.

One of like 8 guys from the show Skins plays fat robs illigitimate son who nearly gets witch raped (actually he mighta been fully witch raped... I can't remember)

Some bitch named Xerxes or something... is the bitchy mom of a little twerp they make the king before realizing he's a little closet case.

 Meg:  You mean Cersei?
Her story gets good.
 me:  Dammit. She's super annoying
I think the biggest build up is waiting to see her beheaded or something greusome.

A bunch of stuff happens in the show, mostly people just wander around a lot and other people go looking for the wandering people maybe but no one really ends up anywhere. Some people fight and Peter Dinkeledge is a dick to all his asshole relatives so that we like him.

I don't have a good nickname for the dragon lady so I'll just call her dragon lady. Honestly though, blond with brown eye brows though.... that's all I can ever really think about when I see her.
I'm fucking fire-proof.

Another guy with a blog reviewing the GoT beer called her "cool lisa" cuz thats what it sounds like everyone is calling her. That works.

Meg:  she is the worst
I just call her Dani.
My friend Bryan calls her the Hot naked blonde
me:  Noted.

So I haven't ready any books, but I've overheard some stuff. None of which I think I heard exactly right, but I figure I'll just go ahead spout it all here (Don't worry, no actual spoilers cuz I don't actually know shit about shit)

I think the old night watch guy is a dragon guy and apparently Cool Lisa's great great uncle... but just her great uncle in the show (which I guess they said in the show but I didn't understand then)

That hot kinky side-smile girl that is marrying Jeoffrey is from some other rich land that apparently is cool with her doing pretty much anything to be a queen.
Sorry "THE" queen

Side smiles dad (I think his name is Mace Lord?) gets on the town council cuz he helped the Lannisters fuck up some ships when the barratheons attacked with the witch-bitch (though honestly it could have been like 2 guys firing all the flammable wizard "Hadouken" juice)
(Seriously look at that mayhem... who needs an army when you got green goblin just droppin pumpkin bombs like it's goin outta style?)

Like I said, I think I got most of that stuff pretty spot on. I may have left a character or 100 out but that's the fuckin gist (it's a goddamn lot of characters)

Anyway... at this point I know nothing else but I am pretty sure all this stuff is about to happen... or at least it should. George Martin is fucking up if he strays from this:

PREDICTIONS! Here's me writing what I hope no one will ever describe as fan-fiction

Jon Snow should should come back to the nights watch but then betray the fuck outta them at the last minute to get some more of that ginger love

Jeoffrey gets poisoned, but hopefully worse before then. Xerxes should watch her incest loving bro (AKA one armed lancelot) die then be stabbed in the face in a sword fight with little insane lady sword fighter stark
Someone murder this smug bitch.

And then side-smile should hook up with the sneaky brothel dude because they are both creeps and sneaks and are the only people you could trust with the other one. They'll not do anything except be sneaky and add to the weird T n A scenes HBO requires.
This picture I found totally makes me think I was right on the money. Just look at these sneaky little shits together.

Then little lady sword fighter stark should join up with Big lady mongoloid and form a clan of lady amazon men haters and go kick the shit outta cold lisa the dragoness of nowheresville

The dude who can regenerate his body after prayer-time should fight the zombies and when they kill him he goes like half-zombie hybrid and unites the clans in peace forever
Unite Us!

And then the blacksmith should be told by the old great grandpa of targaryans that he is the true king and somehow a baratheon and also a targaryan and he's the king of the Dragons and whips the shit outta everything.

And all the lannisters and ironprices die in battle or from sickness from incest.

Except we see pete dinkledge at the very end sneaking off away in peace to some small house with the hooker with a heart of gold. And they've adopted sansa and tought her how to be less of an whiny idiot moron

And the fire-face beast becomes the new hand of the land or whatever and they erect a statue to Boramir...

 Meg: Eddard.

...eddard. They can make the north eddardia and lease it out to the gingers

And beast dog/fire-face, whatever.... maybe he marries sansa later cuz he saved her from rapes?

Oh shit... and the super sweet swordsman who is pete dinklages backup... he should get to kill one armed lancelot. Or kill someone else worse. Or do badass shit... I dunno. Kill more people though and keep giving zero fucks.

Meg:  What about Theon?
me: I dunno who that is, BUT WAIT!
Wait... let me guess...
That's the wimpy dude who got his penis cut off?
Theon "Gold Price" Ironprice
Son of Lord Ironprice
Brother of Lady "I am okay with getting fingered by my bro just to F with him" Ironprice
Meg:  He only went to second base with her.
She stopped it before then.
me:  I for sure saw a hand in her pants... he didn't even go for boobs.
Wait, what is second base?
Meg:  seriously?
Honestly, is that a under the shirt?
Third is hand stuff? Or mouth stuff? Is that even a base?
Meg:  Should I tell you later in person?
me:  Oh yea, please do.

Told ya.

Anyway, well the sister can rescue theon, but then he should just immediately kill himself once he gets a weapon, cuz face it that's all he wants is to die now

Meg: And the tyrells?
me: Dammit! Who?

I really don't know much about them... side smile gets the street pimp of hells landing...

The old poisoning grandma should be granted one million throne bucks and given a sweet scepter or something for making sure everyone knows what a piece of shit the little bondage king is.

Otherwise Mace Lord and the other tyrells can all be turned to dragon shit for all I care.

Hodo and the psychic kid with no legs can go on more fun backpacking trips...

And the bartatheons all just fuck off and die from witch aids.

Click here for the week 1 episode recap!


  1. Ye gods, this is hilarious. I personally hate the show because it butchers the story in needless ways that really don't make sense if you have read the books, but I love your take on it. HA!

    1. My take on it is that the books and the story are both jam packed full of spoilers. You probably should deal with either. Come here and you get the REAL DEAL about Dragonland: It's basically a documentary about incest during the medieval times.

  2. Side smiles!! LMMFAO! I love Game of Thrones (the books and the movies), but this shit you wrote is hilarious. I laughed all the way through.