Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Musical Thrones! Season 3 or 4 (what season is this?) Premier! (PART 1)


So holy shit, apparently other than the 425 times I personally viewed my last post there were at least, like 6 other people who read that shit... so apparently it's time for more! Here's some more totally true shit you never knew about THE GAME OF THE THRONES series!

First off, ya'll see that first episode last week? Shit was REAL. Real thronesie for SURE! The top 5 things I most noticed were, in this order:

1. Jamie’s sweet new haircut. He looks like he’s auditioning for a boy band.
"What was wrong with my old haircut?"
2. Joffrey’s ex, the stark redhead, took a break from crying and moping, to do some serious crying and deliberate moping. (I mean seriously... yea your whole family was gruesomely murdered(bummer), but shit... that is kinda your family thing. That's what you do. They should maybe change the Stark family motto to "Winter is coming, but we'll all be long dead before that so no biggie")

3. The other stark girl is a straight up little sociopath, popping nearly visible murder-boners. Can’t wait to see who she pleasure kills next!

4. WTF Peter the Dink turning down some finger love?! Do not approve. (Sidebar: This chick used to be a porn actress in real life! I knew I recognized those.... eyes?)

5. Now that xerxes told jamie that incest is apparently NOT the best, is he now free to play catcher for that beautiful nordic bohemoth? (Brin of Tark or whatever)?

Whatever... anyway let's get on with the totally true shit about throne island and the MYSTERIES within!


Warning! If you haven't read all the books, even the ones that George Martin hasn't written yet, then this will be full of HUGE spoilers.

Alright so last time I gave you a taste of the secrets that are happening soon, I warned that I don't actually have any clue what is going on in this show. It's got a lot of characters and it's really confusing... but I've gotten way better at figuring shit out so this will be good info for throne newbs and full-on nerds alike.

The scene has been set. There's an island full of people stuck in the medieval times. They don't have any fancy technology it seems, but what they lack in running water and probably an effective sewage system they make up for in SUPER SWEET MAGIC AND WITCHCRAFT!
"But in Castle Rock I totally had the shitters running smoother than.... well you get it!"
Fuck of about your sewers dude, no one gives a shit. (Hahahha... get it).

.... like I was saying SUPER SWEET MAGIC AND WITCHCRAFT.... And... ZOMBIES?
Anyone even remember the first scene of the show? It had zombie dudes with like blue glowey eyes? They've showed them a couple of times since, but weren't they already on the south side of the magic wall already in the FIRST episode? I dunno... all I'm sayin is this Winter is Coming bullshit has been coming for like 4 seasons now and I'm convinced that winter doesn't even come for another season or two.

So the army of Ice Grandpas marches on at the pace I guess you'd expect from said army. No one seems to give much of a shit about it. Even the people at the wall give zero fucks and that's literally their only job... to give a fuck about things on the other side of the wall. And I ain't talking about soulless gingers (I'll get to them in a minute). I'm talking about fucking magic undead ice zombies. You think Branflakes Builder spent all his throne bucks making the magic great wall of ice to keep out some gingers? I mean, that's legit thinking but look at that pouty stark chick... Them gingers is already IN, son. Them wyld boys done banged their way in generations ago. The fat one even SAW THE DAMN ICE DUDES... a SHITTON of them. And all the dicks on the wall are busy whining about how Jon Snow shouldn't have been confirming whether wyld carpets match the drapes.

Speaking of hot... side smile got almost zero face time in this episode which is a travesty. Just look at her:
"Even I can't stop staring at my tits."
Damn right. None of us can.

So another dude shows up that appears to be kind of a baddass, but I dunno... the actor strikes me as kind of a pussy. Anyway his name is... uh... hmmm.... oberlin? Doesn't matter... his big bro is like the duke of dorne I think, or the prince of dorne cuz they's all princes and princesses and whatever. He comes in rolling hard straight into the whore house and starts trying to fuck everything in sight before he gets side tracked maiming some lannister dicks. It's great for the audience because it sets the stage: Now we know he likes fucking and stabbing.... a totally unique character in the THRONIVERSE.

But then JUST when you think he's all orgies and whore house rumbles, he gets all serious as shit with Peter the Dink. Apparently his bro in law was some dude named Radar Targarean and he's pissed because Pete's dad went over the top with the manner in which he murdered... (uh "O" .. we'll call him "O") murdered O's sister and her daughters. Pretty reasonable, but he was being a big dick about it.
My name is Oberlin Martell. You killed my sister...

Ah fuck.... no time to finish all this so apparently STAY TUNED FOR "PART 2 OF THE GET READY FOR EPISODE 2 OF WHATEVER SEASON WE ARE IN UPDATE"

...I'll think of a better title.


  1. Army of Ice Grandpas, LMAO!
    I am really enjoying your blog, keep it up. I can't stand watching the show, but I love reading your take on it. Incidentally, I believe the brother-in-law was Radar Tangerine. Please include the Tangerines in future blogs! :)