Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The Newest Post Before the NEXT ONE that will be newer! (Game of Thrones Shit)


I slammed an entire SODA SHAQ vanilla cream soda today, what the HELL have you done? It tasted like burps and I wanted to say it sucked, but then my friend reminded me it was only 99 cents and thats not really a bad deal then cuz it's big as fuck. "I am the number one Ninja and I have killed all the Shoguns in front of me. " -Shack O'neal
"That's a real quote from me, Shaq Oniel". - Shaq Oneal
So this post was intended as a breathe of fresh air and a reminder that this isn't actually a Game of Thrones blog.To all my friends who think I write Game of the Thrones fan fiction or whatever... that's bullshit, don't listen to them. They're all assholes. I just happened to post a bunch of game of thrones shit here because that's kinda whats up at the moment. That's what the PEOPLE are in to right now. If people get back into Devil Sticks or something... then next weeks post could be really, like... devil stick heavy.

I mean... shit. It COULD happen. You don't know you little fucking know it all.
Alright, probably not but you get my drift. Game of Thrones recaps can get stale as a week old turd, and I've been doing em for like 4 weeks so you do the math. 

So what the hell am I reading?

Good question! Don't worry.. for now, we're still riding this THRONE TRAIN to INCEST MURDER TOWN, so don't get yer tits in a twist. I was gonna do a HOUSE HISTORY post that would provide some much needed insight into some of things that led to the events currently occurring in the Throne show. There are two problems with that:

1. You assholes in the comments named a bunch of fake houses, and possibly a few that are real that I've never heard of?

2. I don't actually know anything about the houses of Game of Thrones and it's really hard to just make this shit up from scratch. (Just ask George Martin apparently)

Eat shit... kill em all.
So instead of doing all that shit... next up I'm going to start with a part 1 of a who-knows-how-many part series!


So one thing struck me last week while I was watching the show while having some beers and maybe playing some pokemon or some shit. (Yea I said pokemon, yea I'm THIRTY ONE, fuckin, what about it?) 

So there was this scene were Cool Lisa the last dragon tamer of the east was about to destroy liberate some new city and for some dumb reason doesn't even bother just having her dragons just drop flaming shits on everyone. She instead apparently is entered into "Choose your best dude at murdering" competition with some unknown dude on a horse that we are led to believe is kinda tough. He issues the challenge using the customary "Piss in your foes general direction" initiating move. 

Been here 3 minutes and already we got dicks out. Should we just murder the next city... or...
So cool lisa is kinda like not sure how to accept the challenge without doing some kind of a non-traditional "squat-style" response. So she kinda looks around like... anyone got a dick I can borrow for a minute?

All her top dudes start begging for a shot to kill this asshole and she gets to apparently choose who gets the honor. 

First the kid who looks like he's 16 leading the army of dickless slaves

(Image approximate)
He's all like, "Lemme kill this fucker", and she's all like. "Nah, you can't fight this guy, cuz if you lose I won't have a semi-official commander of an army I'll only need if my assuredly indestructible dragons, of which I have several and in fact the same number it took to take over the entire continent a thousand years ago, need backup for some reason.

So... he's out.

Sir Barriston Sell Me is up next

He's an old ass dude, but he can surely whip him some asses. He says something like "Me. No question. As far as one-on-one, I’m the best to ever do it."  ...and then he goes off and tries to dunk before realizing he's like... well over 100 years old. And so Lisa be all like "LOL! dude yer old as fuck, are you kidding me?!"

So... he's out.

Next is... (Honestly I don't even remember part of this dudes name. But he's like kinda like a less regal Boramir type) The dude who's completely in love with Cool Lisa:

Yep, this poor bastard.
And he's all like... "I been with you for like a long time, and no pressure or anything, but ya know... when I introduce you I don't know if I should say like ya know... my queen or my lady...or like MY lady... or like... ya know we don't have to get all official, but I think it's kinda clear where I'm at ya know... and if you want to be on that same train, then like... ya know I got two tickets to paradise! Haha... get it, eddie money joke. NVM! lol. But for real though, I'll kill this guy and then we can sort all that shit later. Cool babe?

So... he's out.

Then there's this fucking guy who everyone seems cool with just appearing out of fucking nowhere.

He be all like "I'm a goddamn worthless nobody from some hick-ass town with shitty asshole parents. Nobody will miss me for a second. Cool Lisa agrees (and so do I)

So... he's in. We all get set for random guys immediate death.... And then all this happens....

To which cool lisa herself can't even manage to play it cool

And then random dude seals the deal with one of these

Lisa asks for a fresh pair of undies and now I think HBO will probably ask him to come on board as a full cast member and I'll be forced at some point to find out his name.

So anyway, all this shit happened and I'm like... That's only like 4 dudes from one damn army. So who is THE REAL DEAL baddest asses of the game of the thrones, anyhow? So next up I'll be telling you all about who that is in the next coupla posts. Whats it gonna be called? I already fucking told you... its


So look forward to that. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


Bahahahaha! Did you see that little shit's eyes bleed! Hahahha

Awe damn... I'm getting way ahead of my self. Hoookay, back it up.


Alright so not a ton of action in this last episode, but I'll tell you all the behind the scenes secret shit about the game of the thrones that NOT even George "the bearded suspenders salesman" Martin HIMSELF even knows. Plus I've got a fun BODACIOUS treat at the end for everyone to enjoy.

So alright... from what I remember there wasn't a lot going on to progress the story outside of the main city (hells landing). Old Man Lannister had the goddamn stark sword melted down and made into a damn lannister sword.  . It's suuper pussy though cuz the one sword that Boramir was using the whole time for ACTUAL badass fighting was so huge and badass, in fact, that they made two totally useable swords from his one giant beast of a sword.

As the secret backstory goes, Old Man lannister is pissed as fuck and all whiney because all the OTHER houses get sweet fancy swords and he doesn't get one. There's some old ass place where a bunch of dudes called the Flareons used to make super badass swords out of like adamantium or midiclorians or something. Well one of Old Man Lannisters grandparents went off into some bog of eternal stench off in who-cares-ville and got his dumb ass AND the old lannister sword, lost as shit forever and ever. It was probably named something very Lannistery like "CASTLE ROCKER" or "DEBT PAYER" or something. Ah fuck I was trying to make fun of them but debt payer is a SICK name for something you stab people with, AMIRITE?

Anyway so one of these magical swords (that look just like normal swords but somehow people in the show can spot them from like a half mile away before it's even been drawn) goes to OLE LEFTY LANNISTER.

He can barely hold the thing and legitimately struggles getting it back into it's fancy leather casing. Jamie is secretly pissing his pants because he knows that he legitimately sucks balls at fighting unless he can use his right hand. Unfortunately that hand got lopped right off and now he's rocking a fake gold hand that looks like it could be made out of chocolate actually. In any event, none of the wizards and magical shit is enough to even manage an opposable thumb.

Good thing he aint fighting deadites.

You'd think since his sister had it made that it would at least be a little more...
Ya know what I mean?

But apparently she's an old crotchety bitch who won't even bang her own brother anymore. 

So anyway, the other sword goes apparently to the little socio-king. He immediately asks the crowd of wall to wall assholes to name it... because, ya know, lots of people name their swords...


Speaking of sociopaths, jesus fuck I forgot about the beginning. The torture porn guy shows up again and shows us he's still having a fucking great old time completely ruining little Prince Dickless of Ironprice mountain. 

He starts out by literally hunting a human.
Cuz that'll get ya JACKED!
A human that happens to be a young girl in a dress because as much as he is a psycho, he's apparently also a complete puss-bag. He doesn't care... he just murders her up and goes back to eating dicks.

Fine, pork sausage... but you kinda figure this dude actually would eat a dick.

Well Theon is completely fucked.... but who knows, maybe with a little rebranding?... maybe xerxes knows a guy who can hook him up with a gold dick?


So I think the rest of the time we were just seeing the bitch king being a total bitch at his wedding to side-smile. He uses his stupid flareon sword to cut up Pete Dinkledge's wedding gift of a big book, which admittedly... come on, what did you expect, Pete?

You were just trying to piss him off weren't you?
Well it worked. But Pete Dink is fighting battles on multiple fronts since his awful hooker of a sister finds out that his actual hooker of a girlfriend is pretending to be his wifes maid. (I know this shit sounds like an episode of the young and the restless or something) Anyway, once xerxes finds out about his secret love for the hooker with a heart of gold he gets Bronn to get his lady safely way the fuck far away:

Dude, you fucked up.
...well we hear Bron say she's gone but I dunno... I predict we see her again. Likely we see her dead though. Unfortunately, I think I'm inside George Martins head enough to know that he's just the kinda asshole to for sure make that happen. 

Well after seeing a weird midget show and the little inbred king being a total and complete cocksucker for the last time... we are rewarded with the most pleasurable murder scenes the show has yet to offer:

Jeffrey be all like...

And we be all like....

But it's been made clear he was an insane inbred asshole. I'm not one to personally drop the C-bomb, but the show has made it pretty clear that all of Throne Island thinks he was basically the definition of a cunt. And as this dude will tell you...

Now you've all waited long enough.... 

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Musical Thrones! Season 3 or 4 (what season is this?) Premier! (PART 2)


Alright.... part 2 time. Now we're picking up steam.

Already touched on the side smiles, the dornish peeps, and most of the hells landings goings on. What else we got?


The DOG/fire face dude! He seems to be getting more baddass by the second. His big bro THEMOUNTAIN is off doing HELLA rapes and MAD pillaging... but he's getting all bro-ey with the little sociopath.
From the looks of the complete cinders they started heading toward, I'd say (oh shit... it's hound not dog. Whatevs!) HOUNDSEL (he's so hot right now) will probably run into big bro soon and we'll get to see if they know how to get as rowdy as the Brothers Anderson on a Saturday night!

I'm guessing these two go around rubbing their murder boners on everything. They probably will get them some eventual payback for the Red Wedding debacle...
For those who missed it, it went something exactly like this
Related Sidebar: After the red wedding... what happened to the dude that just got married? Didn't he realize his father in law just murdered the shit out of everyone he was friends with? Well like most things, I dunno. BUT I happen to know a legit THRONE nerd, I inquired about this dude for a section I'll call:


MEG: Edmure Tully? Do you really want to know now or wait for the show?
ME: Oh, if that will be explained coming up I'll wait. I thought I may have missed that.
MEG: No, it will be coming. :)
ME: Hmmm.... Honestly. I'd be like.... "Sheeeeeeiiiiiiiittt...... I mean like.... this is really uncool. But uh... if this chick wasn't like super SUPER hot I'd like... seriously just bail"
ME: "Uncool as hell though..." then go right back to more sex with new chick. Probably whistling and skipping back into bed.
MEG: Wait...are you saying that even after finding out your family and allies were brutally married, you would just go back to having sex because she was SUPER hot?
ME: no no no... I wouldn't do that just because she was super hot
ME: ...I'd do it because she was super SUPER hot

MEG: Excuse me...super SUPER hot.
MEG: you would also be skipping back to bed so you wouldn't be murdered since you are now basically a prisoner in your new in-laws home.
ME: For sure a prisoner.
ME: Tie me up and throw away the key
MEG: tie or chain?
ME: Well tie is good enough, that's still some sketchy shit. You don't wanna end up in a Theon the Dickless situation


Speaking of Theon! What's his bitch ass up to? The bad news: You got tortured to hell for what seems like weeks, maybe more.... and your dick cut off. Good news: Uhm.... good news, good news.... you can't get your dick cut off twice? Right? ;D

Well actually there is some good news... because lady ironprice is on her way and she's got enough dick for the both of ya.  More good news: They didn't cut off your fingers, so you two can pick right up where you left off on that horseback ride!


Davey Seaworth the "onion knight" is sitting locked up as fuck. Which is stupid as shit because all he wants to do is be Stan bartathions BFF and he keeps getting shit on. When Stans seamen were all starving to death Davey swoops in for the save and hooks everyone up with like infinite onions and they all live (I guess they already had like chicken and steak but nothing to cook up a nice fajita?) And what does he get? Knighted! But then Stannis decides that for completely saving his armies collective asses, he doesn't get out of the fact that he used to smuggle shit. What does he do? Cuts off all the finger tips of his right hand. And what does Davey do? PUTS THEM IN A FUCKING POUCH AND WEARS IT AROUND HIS NECK! I'm pretty sure I'm not even making this up. Dude is so moons over my hammy for Stan that he's happy as fuck to be mutilated.

And then when the evil red bitch gets all uppity, Davey calls bullshit and Stan throws his ass right back in prison. Oh shit... wait I think Stans daughter bailed him out last season. Whatever, maybe he's on the lam... but guaranteed his only priority to get right back to eating Stans shit. With any luck he gets to pour a bucket of water on that evil red bitch.

(Related sidebar... Evil red bitch looks like kind of a hag on the show but in real life she's actually bangin hot TOO!
(Shown here demonstrating the size of her head with a banana for scale)
Legit casting is actually legit. These chicks are so hot they have to MAKE them look older and shittier. What's next?


Too much? Well the second or third to last targarean dragon tamer is still on the move. The most notable thing about her short screen time? That she's talking to some complete stranger all the time now..
Who the fuck is this guy?

Next recap I'll probably have more info about hodo's big dumb ass and all those little shits with psychic powers that I currently give zero shits about. Other than the wyld style chick they are with... I wouldn't have guessed this about her, but in real life... HOT CHICK.
I know right? Who saw that coming?


Alright that's fuckin it until who knows... but at least until the next episode. Hope HBO go doesn't take a total runny shit like last week
For real though, who uses HBO go? No I mean tell me so I can use your account. :)

Alright... see ya next time. Bye bye

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Musical Thrones! Season 3 or 4 (what season is this?) Premier! (PART 1)


So holy shit, apparently other than the 425 times I personally viewed my last post there were at least, like 6 other people who read that shit... so apparently it's time for more! Here's some more totally true shit you never knew about THE GAME OF THE THRONES series!

First off, ya'll see that first episode last week? Shit was REAL. Real thronesie for SURE! The top 5 things I most noticed were, in this order:

1. Jamie’s sweet new haircut. He looks like he’s auditioning for a boy band.
"What was wrong with my old haircut?"
2. Joffrey’s ex, the stark redhead, took a break from crying and moping, to do some serious crying and deliberate moping. (I mean seriously... yea your whole family was gruesomely murdered(bummer), but shit... that is kinda your family thing. That's what you do. They should maybe change the Stark family motto to "Winter is coming, but we'll all be long dead before that so no biggie")

3. The other stark girl is a straight up little sociopath, popping nearly visible murder-boners. Can’t wait to see who she pleasure kills next!

4. WTF Peter the Dink turning down some finger love?! Do not approve. (Sidebar: This chick used to be a porn actress in real life! I knew I recognized those.... eyes?)

5. Now that xerxes told jamie that incest is apparently NOT the best, is he now free to play catcher for that beautiful nordic bohemoth? (Brin of Tark or whatever)?

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Totally not fake Game of Thrones MYSTERIES REVEALED!


So I had no idea what I was planning to use this space for when I started it. So I guess some weird GoT shit will be a good enough post. I don't actually know anything about the books, and I know very little about the tv show because I honestly can't even follow the episodes I've seen and I'm usually drunk when I watch. Okay heres some shit about everyone's favorite show about incest and dragons (mostly just written out as I remember with some interjections from my friend Meg because this all started in a chat window)

What I know:

This is all 100% true shit as far as I know.... There's a war that started a long time ago kinda... or at least started people being all pissed off at each other. Some targaryan dude who won a joust or something and then gave the "hottest babe of the joust" award to Boramir's sister instead of his own wife... then later captured her and started the whole war ...I guess over who got dibs on this chick

Boramirs brother and maybe his dad? go try knotts landing, or hells landing or whatever the big city is and try to talk some weird old dude into getting the stolen chick back. But instead they just murder them right up.

Then boramir and his buddy rob go murder them back thus are the coolest dudes on the block for a while.

The dragon people, the wolf people, the deer people and ... some other peoples... they all play musical thrones for a while and then the lannisters who are all a bunch of inbred fuckbags end up on top by (I think) sexing their way into all the other families and then waiting for people to die.

One of like 8 guys from the show Skins plays fat robs illigitimate son who nearly gets witch raped (actually he mighta been fully witch raped... I can't remember)

Some bitch named Xerxes or something... is the bitchy mom of a little twerp they make the king before realizing he's a little closet case.

 Meg:  You mean Cersei?
Her story gets good.
 me:  Dammit. She's super annoying
I think the biggest build up is waiting to see her beheaded or something greusome.

A bunch of stuff happens in the show, mostly people just wander around a lot and other people go looking for the wandering people maybe but no one really ends up anywhere. Some people fight and Peter Dinkeledge is a dick to all his asshole relatives so that we like him.

I don't have a good nickname for the dragon lady so I'll just call her dragon lady. Honestly though, blond with brown eye brows though.... that's all I can ever really think about when I see her.
I'm fucking fire-proof.

Another guy with a blog reviewing the GoT beer called her "cool lisa" cuz thats what it sounds like everyone is calling her. That works.

Meg:  she is the worst
I just call her Dani.
My friend Bryan calls her the Hot naked blonde
me:  Noted.